Oh, what fun we had as kids making phone calls to complete strangers whose names we had found in the phone book. (Anyone remember the days when you looked numbers up in a telephone directory?) The dialogue, if you can call it that, was short and sweet, and always followed the same pattern:

- "Hello, is that Mr/Mrs Smith on the line?"
- "Yes, who's calling?"
- "Well, you better get off, there's a train coming."

Well, we thought it was hilarious when we were eight. And that wasn't the end of our fun. When I was a teenager, phoning was still an expensive business in England. That explained the worried look on my father's face every time he saw one of us on the phone. "Phone bill!", he used to shout as he walked past, a reference to the costs we were running up. To which the only possible reply was, "OK, I'll phone Bill as soon as I've stopped talking to Kevin." No, he wasn't amused.

But none of these childhood experiences came even close to the amusement caused by a call I made to London in the early 1990s, shortly after I started working for Spotlight magazine in Munich. I wanted some information from The Economist, but they passed me from one person and one department to another and then another. Finally, someone said, "I'll put you on hold", which they did, for a very long time.

Don't panic, it's only a phone call

Turning to one of my colleagues, I shouted in frustration, "Aaargh! This lot couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery!", a quaint English expression used to describe someone who is so inefficient that they can't carry out even the simplest of tasks, such as organizing a heavy drinking session in a place where beer is made.

Anyway, as soon as I had vented my frustration, a very friendly woman's voice came on the phone and said - and I promise this is true - "Ms Brewer here, how can I help you?" I collapsed laughing and couldn't finish the call properly.

And what is my point? Well, first I'm reminding you of some basic telephone phrases - such as "Is that Mr Smith?", "Who's calling?", "I'll put you on hold", and "How can I help you?". And some basic vocabulary, such as "telephone directory", "phone bill" or "line", as in the expression, "Sorry, I can't hear you very well - it's a bad line".

But the other point I want to make is that telephoning, which is a basic business skill, is fraught with dangers - even if you are speaking your first language. And many otherwise sane and confident people panic at the thought of having to speak in a foreign language on the phone - and so avoid doing so if at all possible.

Try not to bark your name: "!! HOLZENSCHNÖRGEL !!"

This is unfortunate because, as Business Spotlight author Bob Dignen points out in a forthcoming article, the business world seems to have become "crazily textual", relying far too much on written communication. In many cases, using the phone not only gives you greater control of the conversation, but it also allows you to establish a more personal relationship than is possible via emails and text messages.

In fact, all that is required for a successful phone call is often a couple of deep breaths. A German colleague, whose English is actually very good, asked recently, "What do I say when an English-speaker is put through to me on the phone by reception?" I suggested: "Good afternoon/morning, my name is (Anita) Müller. How can I help you?" At this point, she breathed out and starting practising the sentence. Very simple, but it gave her a sense of security.

Actually, it's not quite as simple as it looks. Too many German-speakers bark their name down the phone at unsuspecting foreigners: "Markus"; "Böll"; "Holzenschnörgel". But how is the poor person on the other end of the phone supposed to know that "Holzenschnörgel" is a name, rather than, say, an expression of anger or you simply clearing your throat? By adding the introduction "my name is", you help the listener to process what comes afterwards. "Aha, so that is a name", the listener thinks, and also starts to relax. Then you can get on with the call.

My favourite tip for telephoning in English, however, is this: don't answer the phone. I'm not joking. If you see a number in your display that you think means a call is coming in English, let the other person leave a message and call them back when you have prepared yourself psychologically and linguistically.

Remember, your English is almost certainly better than their German

On the other hand, if you do answer the phone and someone takes you by surprise and starts speaking English at 150 miles an hour, you can simply say: "Excuse me, I'm in a meeting at the moment. Can I call you back in 15 minutes?" Then, once again, take a few deep breaths, check some useful phrases - such as, "Sorry, I didn't get that, could you say that again?", or "Sorry, could you speak a bit more slowly, please?" Don't be embarrassed to stop the other person: remember, your English is almost certainly better than their German.

Of course, such delaying techniques aren't always possible, particularly if you are in customer service. But it is important to remember that, just as car drivers need to be in control of their vehicles and not vice versa, so you need to take control of the phone. You're the boss, not the machine or the other person.

What else can help you be successful on phone? Try smiling - it's a much underrated telephone skill. I am always being told off for not sounding positive enough on the phone. I need to smile more, also on my voice mail recording. Listen to yours and see whether you need to smile more, too.